Here are a couple of pictures of how I look when I seriously don't give a shit.
"Let me start out by saying I care greatly about people who have experienced great tragedies in their lives, cancer survivors, anyone struggling with a mental illness or suicidal thoughts and/or attempted suicide survivors."
What I NO LONGER care about is people judging me, holier than thou people, rude and mean people, anyone who thinks they are any better than me, people who tell me "I'll pray for you" opposed to actually giving a shit, I think you get the idea.
I went to church for close to 20 years every single week. I volunteered and spent quite a bit of my time and money to it. After being diagnosed with cancer and once the fight was over. I decided to take a spiritual walk. With who? My own damn self.
I searched high and low. I went through a time where I wasn't even sure what or who God really was. But I did know one thing, I was determined to find out for MYSELF. I was no longer going to continue believing the beliefs that were passed down to me and fed to me and I just believed them as complete truth because everyone else was to. I realized that I am not a machine that can be programmed with limiting beliefs. It has taken me the past 6 years to undo those beliefs in my head!
I have spent this time working on ME. I searched high and low within the entire depths of who I am. It was NOT a pretty trip. I have learned well how important it is to take full responsibility for the things that show up in my life. I believe God is everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I believe God moves throughout absolutely everything and everyone and that God is on my side, loves me unconditionally and helps me daily to discover my own greatness. I have grown more spiritually and met some pretty fantastic people in the past 6 years than I did the 20 going to church.
SO, when I woke up in the hospital, after my almost successful suicide attempt, the very 1st words out of my mouth were, "You have GOT to be FUCKING kidding me!!!!"
"I was SO hoping it was all a bad dream or that I had actually died and was living in a nightmare."
For those 20 years I went to church, I lived a completely different life. I never drank liquor, I never uttered a cuss word, etc.
I tell ya, after I said those words in the hospital, I have been using it ever since. A psychiatrist told me that since I wasn't successful, my brain was trying to find ways to cope. And it was AWESOME!! It works wonderful to this very day. I just heard the other day from 2 different people that some cutters have actually started writing on their arms when they feel like cutting so they always have sharpies or whatever instead of razor blades! I think that is pure greatness. Now, this may not work for everyone, but I don't give a shit. LOL
Truly, being able to be myself has changed everything! When I cuss, I feel powerful. Something in me gets released. After coming out of the closet and sharing my full story, that too made me feel so powerful and so proud!! I have a LOT more compassion for people, I see people differently, I love people better and I no longer feel scarred or like damaged goods. Who I am now is the little girl that was always already inside of me, waiting on me to set her free.
SO, I don't give a shit because...
1) I am who I am and being fully transparent, raw, real and open helps keep me alive, literally. Now, it is helping others do the same.
2) Giving a shit has never done me a bit of good.
3) Lastly and more importantly, because I just don't give a shit!
“Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."
― Mark Twain
Kelley, The Survivor Coach