“If you don’t pay appropriate attention to what has your attention, it will take more of your attention than it deserves.”
– David Allen
Men, the year my divorce was final, that year would have been my 20th anniversary. I thought we had a pretty amazing relationship. Once I was diagnosed with cancer, that was my total focus. He had never been through any serious tragedy in his life and did not know how to deal with it at all. He turned to things that overtook him in order to deal with it and it ended up being at the cost of his wife and family.
I had SO much hate and anger in my heart towards him that it was literally eating me alive and was completely unhealthy for me. After doing a LOT of internal work on myself and working through all of that hurt and anger, I was then able to take a step back and take a good, long hard look at ME. Let me tell you, it was far from pretty.
I know that there is NO marriage that fails because of just one person. It takes two. I looked inside to see what MY part was and what did I seriously need to take ownership of. I realized that I was controlling and I am sure overbearing with expectations so high that no one, not even myself could live up to them. I am extremely responsible and I would use that responsibility to manipulate him. I used sex to manipulate as well.
While facing my own faults and realizing all the things I had done, I was able to have a different perspective, I was then able to have so much more empathy for men. I see that as wives, we can be....well, for lack of a better word...complete bitches. We want you to own up and admit to all your faults and mistakes but take no responsibility for our own.
Looking back, I see that I failed miserably. I see that me being such a perfectionist put the pressure on him to be perfect as well. He was in sales and I see all the pressure he must have endured as a man. Pressure to be a great dad and a great husband, the top salesman, on and on. The pressure from the outside world had to have been completely exhausting. Trying to make everyone happy and completely losing yourself in the process.
Unfortunately, I can't get a "do over" for the way I behaved. However, I can indeed use my knowledge in my current relationships and inform others. I know that men suffer in silence and must feel so alone. I also know that a lot of women don't stand behind and encourage men.
I am a life-coach and do all my coaching over the phone. I love working with men helping them discover their true greatness. I believe everyone has all the answers they need for anything going on in their lives, within themselves. I will never try to "fix" you because I do not believe any of us need to be fixed. I don't believe there is anything "wrong" with us. I will never give you my opinion or advice but will rather listen to you and ask curious questions to help you find the answers YOU need on your own.
FACT: 7 out of 10 suicides are committed by men. Don't be a statistic.
Kelley, The Survivor Coach