Closets bore me...so I'm coming out!!
I apologize for the delay in getting this post out. I have been busy and haven't had time to blog. The editor of my book isn't going to work out after all and so alas I have lost 3 months of editing time that I could've been working on the book myself and there is no way my book will be published this year.
Every Monday, at 10:00 am CST, I do a live FB video called, "Manic Monday" on facebook.com/thesurvivorcoach. I recently heard that 64% of people hate Mondays. I'm definitely in that percentage. I give a tip each week on just surviving life in general. This day, I shared the tip of just being yourself...completely.
I was married for close to 20 years. Every man I have ever been with has cheated on me. Boy, I can pick 'em, huh? People, even strangers, would walk up to me and my husband and tell us that our relationship gave them hope for their own marriage. People would tell us that if our marriage ever failed, they didn't know if they would ever be able to believe there are truly any "good" marriages out there. This wasn't just occasionally either, this was on a regular basis throughout the majority of our marriage. With my history with men and because this husband lied about even the smallest things, I had made my mind up a long, long time ago that if he ever turned out to be a cheater or fraud, I would never in my life date men again.
Well, that is what happened. After my attempted suicide and spending weeks in the hospital, he literally picked me up, signed off with the psychologists, drove me home, dropped me off in the driveway and never returned to our marriage. Within barely two weeks, he was on his way to Vegas with another, of many, women. My life as I knew it was officially over.
I knew then that I would forever be single or I would start dating women. I cannot lie and say that I didn't hate him. I did. I was way beyond anger, I seethed with complete hatred. I hated all men. I trusted only 1 or 2 if that. And I respected about the same number. I have come a long way and have done a lot of work on what has happened to me since I was diagnosed with cancer in early 2010. Thankfully, I went through a program called "Mindset for Success" about 10 years ago and had worked through a good part of the trauma I had gone through in my life. Had I not, I know without a single doubt that I would NOT have been able to handle the things I endured from 2010 - 2014.
I hid this from everyone for about a year to a year and a half depending on who you are. One day, I saw a women, and the moment I laid my eyes on her, I knew we would be together. It would be close to a year later for that to come to pass. The longer we were together, the more I was uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable because she was a secret and so neither one of us could shout to the world how happy and crazy in love we were. It wasn't fair to her and the more time that went on, the more anger I had over the entire situation. My children already knew about my lifestyle. Thankfully, they were so very awesome and still are to this day about everything.
One by one, I came clean with those I treasure the most. So, if you have known for a while, then you can know that you are one of the few people I hold nearest and dearest to my heart and that is only a handful. I was so relieved at the responses each one had but I must admit that I truly wonder if the responses would've been different had it been before I went through cancer or before I survived my attempted suicide.
Think about that for a minute. Maybe re-read that last paragraph. Let that really sink in good. I cannot imagine, in my own head, that the only way some people will show someone grace is if they know their story. If that person has in their own mind realized that the individual can't possibly endure being abandoned by them for fear in their own head what it would do to the person.
I myself have been this way before. I have been that person. When? It was the majority of the time I was in church. When I was in church, 20 years every single time the doors were open, if anyone else didn't believe like I did or lived their lifestyle what I deemed as inappropriate or sinful, I judged them. God forbid they be an atheist or "spiritual." If that was the case I would pray for them that they would no longer be brainwashed. Turns out, I was the one who was brainwashed. It sickens me to even think about the ongoings in a church. How they truly operate, how it is a money making machine, how poor people are treated as opposed to the big donors, how pastors abuse their authority, how countless men and women sitting right next to you are smiling on the outside while cheating on each other at the same time, how over 60% of the men leave those four walls to go watch porn or even worse, lesbian porn while they speak against being gay and what a sin it is.
Before you flip your lid, I am not saying ALL churches, ALL pastors or ALL men.
"We all see things through the lens of our pasts. We all have the perspectives that we do merely because of our own past experiences. Each and every single one of us.
From MY perspective, I see things very, very differently now. I know I have a great big God. I know because of my relationship with him. I know because I have never in my entire life felt the freedom that I now feel. I know because I have peace that passes all understanding. I know because depression and anxiety no longer plague me. I know because I finally have joy.
I do have a lot of friends that are men. I honestly do not believe that every man is bad. But, I also believe that it isn't a huge percentage. I'm definitely not saying I myself am better than anyone. I am neither superior or inferior to no one. In trying to help you understand where I am coming from, after my attempted suicide and divorce, a LEAD pastor contacted me. I adored his family and thought it was cool that he was keeping in touch. Then, one night, he asked me if I was going to visit his church when I came back to Texas and of course I said I absolutely was and couldn't wait to see them all. Literally, within a few minutes, he tells me that he has had a crush on me since the day we met. I actually told my daughter who was sitting right there and we laughed. He is hysterical anyway so I knew he must be yanking my chain but obviously in an odd way. He proceeded to tell me that he was embarrassed but telling me the truth that he has wanted to have sex with me for quite some time.
WHAT!?!?!?!? I was in shock. I have a very strong intuition and I didn't have not one single clue that he was this kind of man. I thought he was amazing and I adored his wife and child. Mind you, he knew what I had just endured. Now here he was acting just like my husband was to other women. I felt used, dirty, taken advantage of, and a slew of other words to describe those feelings. I told him that he was obviously in way too deep in whatever he was doing and that if he continued down this path, he would lose his dignity, wife, child, life, and congregation...everything that mattered to him.
I cried most of the day the next day as I would not have EVER led a man on or flirted with them. I loved my husband very much and everyone knew it. My sister suggested that I block him from everything and that is what I did.
And as far as church goes, that will have to be another post.
Feel free to comment as I know you have thoughts about this.