Today, on Manic Monday, I talked about how we (me) go from just being sad to dark, to REALLY, REALLY dark, to how to help yourself.
The year my divorce was final would have been my 19th wedding anniversary. I lived in Georgia at the time and was about to move back to Texas. I had spent many, many of those years being a stay at home mom. Here I was, moving to Texas, I didn't have much money, I literally packed everything I could fit into the back of my 4 Runner. My youngest, 16, lived with her dad at the time. My oldest was 18. The 18-year-old came with me. She had just graduated high school. We both felt very strongly that we were supposed to come home to Texas.
She had her car full as well. We followed each other down. She stayed with my ex-sister-in-law and I didn't even know where in the world I was going to stay until about a week before. I ended up staying with some friends. However, that put us an hour away from each other. My youngest came shortly after and then my ex shortly after that. But now, I didn't have either of my kids with me, my dog was sick with diabetes and I couldn't afford to keep him with me so the ex-had him too.
I wasn't sure how I would ever be able to get a place of my own and once I did, I could only afford a 1 bedroom apartment which meant it was too small for the kids to come live with me and I still couldn't have my dog.
If I thought on my situation too long, I would go quickly from sad to sadder to dark thoughts to even darker thoughts. Before I knew it, I was in a downward spiral, at home alone and getting more suicidal by the second.
It is then that I make myself STOP. I literally tell myself, "Okay, you have to give yourself a thought break." Then, I try my best to come back to reality and realize that at that very moment in my life, everything is fine. I had food to eat, a place to live, clothes to wear and I was working from home. THEN, once I was getting calm, I thought about how many times before I have pulled myself out of this spiral.
Myself, I think a lot about how I handled going through cancer so well. You might not think you have ever done this before but that can't be true because here you are reading this! Think back to how you have gotten as far as you have. Then, do what you did before. If it worked then, it will work now.
Every single one of us has a power that resides within us that we rarely tap into. Have you ever seen a preemie baby? They are so teenie tiny yet they have a fight in them. They fight to live life! We are born with this inner strength! I call mine my DRIVING FORCE. What will you call yours? Believe in yourself. Try it out and let me know how you do!
Sending you lots of love and positive thoughts for all the times you can't do it for yourself. Remember, "Empower yourself, to save yourself."