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When Sadness Speaks

Kelley McElreath Anti-depressants anxiety attempted suicide survivor Depression manic depression Medication Mental Health PTSD Sadness

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it...”
~Nicholas Sparks
I've been blogging and doing some podcasts lately about me coming off all medication. No more anti-depressants. This is my fourth attempt and hoping final attempt. You can see my last post about the difficulties I have had with it here http://bit.ly/2n4EFK5 
One of the things I hated about taking medication is that it made me completely apathetic. I don't think I ever even realized the meaning of the word until I started taking Wellbutrin. There were countless times my teenage daughters would be upset at something I did and rightfully so where I could not care less. I knew it was wrong. I knew something was wrong with me but there was nothing I could do about it. The drug kept me from being suicidal, it was my lifesaver. 
I was on a podcast recently where I discussed this topic and talked about how weird it is to not "feel." Well, the day after that podcast, I was driving down a country road and noticed a dog walking out onto the highway. I mean like there were cars coming and everything but you could tell the dog didn't even care. It was so strange. As I got closer, I realized that it was a mommy dog and her pup had been run over. It was dead and she was carrying it to get it off the road. Oh my gosh! My heart broke in a million little pieces!!!! I was SO, SO sad. I hadn't felt this in so long that I didn't even know how to handle such strong emotions of sadness. 
I literally asked myself out loud, "What is good about these feelings?" I immediately knew the answer. The answer was that I was actually FEELING something. It meant that I was not only just alive but that I was living again. Wow, what a revelation! And it made me feel so good. On the way home that evening, on the same road, I saw a field that was FULL of cows and there were at least a dozen little baby cows with them. They were all just so darn cute and it was a perfect ending to that awful event I had witnessed that morning. 
So the moral to this story is that feeling emotions can be a damn good thing. When this happens, try to sit with them. Really just FEEL them. They will pass. But one thing you can know for sure is that you are ALIVE, that you are FEELING, that you are just being human. 

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